This place is getting to me. I think I'm getting The Fear.

I started high school two days ago. It's not... well... I don't know what to say about high school over all.
Our high school schedule is a four block, which means we have two semesters, divided by winter break. Four classes per semester, eight classes total. Blocks (they technically aren't called periods, although mostly they are anyway) are 90 minutes each.
My schedule this semester is Algebra 2 Honors, Health/P.E., Biomedical Technology, (OXFORD COMMA NEVER DIES.) and Honors Biology.
Day 1 was... well, shitty. It sucked. Day 2 was a lot better, so I won't go into an awful lot of detail on why Day 1 sucked, but suffice it to say I had a bit of a crying meltdown. Yikes. Well, the good news is I feel much better now.
Algebra 2 is... well, it's... it's hard. I recognize a lot of the people from my past math classes, when I was in sixth grade I and three other students took math with the seventh graders in addition to sixth grade math... and I'm still a little resentful. That year sucked, because, and this sounds stupid, but it meant a lot to me, I didn't get to sit with my friends. Or anybody in my grade, actually. So that was just... terrible. So then last year we took Geometry online, and in seventh grade we took Algebra 1 with eighth graders. I can't spell eighth properly. Okay.
Well, anyway, I remember some of the people from Algebra 1. I'm not sure that they remember me, but that's alright. Behind sits a football guy... he's a bit intimidating, and the only other freshman friend I have with me in my class is my carpool buddy and dearest guy friend. Unfortunately, he has a lot of sopohmore friends, so I think I'll probably end up being ignored. The only other person I really know in math is a girl I used to go to summer camp with, and though it's a bit complicated, we've remained friends over the years and correspond often online. Fortunately, although she is a sophomore, she does still talk to me in the class. Mostly people in the class are fairly friendly... though they don't know I'm a freshman. So, that. As you can see, I'm a little self-conscious.
The teacher seems rather nice. He's a bit of a nerd, which I love. I've thought about it a bit and I think my type is nerdy guys. Not, like, I like my Algebra teacher, it's just, on the subject of nerds. en-ee-ways...
We went over how to use our calculators yesterday. I was so lost. We didn't use them at all last year when we took Geometry online, but of course everyone in a normal class did, so THEY all know how to use it, and of course, my Geometry/carpool/freshman buddy mentioned above is a complete and total computer genius, so of course HE can use it, so it's pretty much just me. After that we did some easy things which I knew how to do so that made me feel better. I think... I think we have a test soon. Yes. September second.
Then I have P.E./Health. There are three P.E. teachers at our high school- the woman is a bit older, and she's also the volleyball coach. My good friend is on the volleyball team, so this coach loves her, but her motto is, 'don't just sit, get fit!' which she told us on the first day. AWESOME. Fortunately, I did not get her. And then there's this blowhard gym teacher, who basically fits all of your sitcom gym teacher stereotypes and more. He's a gigantic dick who hates freshman. And women. But fortunately, I didn't get him, either. You have no idea how fucking relieved I am that I got gym teacher number three, or, the lazy teacher. He's really fucking lazy. 'So guys, uh, I don't really like to teach Health, so we're probably just gonna do some stuff on the computers for that. and uh, yeah...' Apparently, sometimes, during Gym, he just goes into his office and smokes pot. So, uh, at least he'll be relaxed. :D Yeah, I'm really fucking relieved. On Friday, the other two classes stretched and ran around the track, while OUR gym teacher said, 'So, uh, we're starting health on Monday, so I don't really see the point in starting a whole unit, so, uh, we're just gonna, uh, walk around the, uh, cross country trails this, uh, block.'
Yeah. So we did that. And it sucked, because it was hot outside. But it could have been so much worse. TRANSITION! There are eight (Eight is a difficult word for spelling) girls in my P.E. class. But it's okay... I know half of them from middle school, and the half that I know, I like. Also, it's awesome because the locker rooms are super duper big, I mean, they aren't really, but compared to our middle school they totally are. Last year, halfway through the school, the new school (PMS are the initials. I'm not fucking kidding. They seriously are.) opened, so we transfered there after winter break, and we merged with the middle school of another K-8 school in the area. What this means is I sort of know half the freshman class, which is good. But anyway, PMS had to have gigantic gym classes, (two eighth grade classes and one sixth grade class) in the gym at the same time. Which means, in the locker room at the same time. And sixth graders, goddamn, sixth graders really fucking do not understand personal space. I'm not going to elaborate on that anymore.
So, it's fun. The way our P.E. works is we'll have Health for three weeks, and then P.E. for three weeks, and so on... and we have Health starting Monday. So that's excellent.
Then I have Biomedical Technology. It's the intro level to the Health Science courses, which means that if you want to take any medical classes, you better fucking take Biomed your first year. So I did! And it's boring as hell. Yesterday, we spent seventy minutes on proper notetaking techniques. And I'm not exaggerating on time. Seventy fucking minutes. Although, it probably would have been forty if it weren't for the fact that this woman who teaches the class takes a break at the end of each phrase she speaks, almost as though she's waiting for us to burst into applause or something. Also, she's morbidly obese.
But on the plus side, it's really, really fucking easy, and at the end, I'll be a certified nursing assistant. Plus, I like the people in the class, I have my second best friend, and then a guy across from me who I ride the bus with and yesterday gave me his number. And I didn't ask for it. So that was interesting. And the woman is so fucking lazy she lets us sit wherever we want, basically, so we have fun.
That's also the class I have lunch with, though we get to sit with whoever we want in the cafeteria, but the lunches are in shifts. So we have second lunch. There are four lunches. Not that many of my friends also have second lunch, but I have my second best friend, and my P.E. friend, and my former best friend, and some guy friends, and some friendly acquaintances, so it's not optimal, but okay.
Then, I have Biology Honors, which is quite a bit of fun. I like the teacher, though she's six months pregnant, which means we might get a sub near the end of the semester. Also, she's gained 17.2 pounds since the beginning of her pregnancy. I know that because my group yesterday guessed the closest to the amount she's gained (20 pounds) at the end of class. We won candy. It made me happy. And, she lets us pick our groups, and, although we have assigned seats, she put me next to my best friend, so it's fun.
And that's about it... OH! And the bus. Let's not forget the bus, shall we?
Okay, well, the bus is pretty fucking terrible, it's hot, and overcrowded, and ghetto as hell. WAY ghetto-er than the school. I didn't ride yesterday, but I did ride Thursday. I got home at four thirty. School ends at three. In a car, it takes 15 minutes to get from my house to the school. Our bus driver doesn't fucking know how to drive, or how to navigate the area, or how to control a group of ghetto-ass kids, so it was super duper fucking fantastic.
I sat next to some mentally disabled kid because he was one of the only people that didn't look like he wanted to shiv me. And then, the ex-boyfriend decides he, too, wants to sit next to me. So we're three to a seat, which I'm pretty sure isn't even fucking legal. And then, in the seat across from us is some punk-ass kid with five goddamn visible tattoos. Tattoos that look like he didn't get them in a parlor, if you know what I mean. And you don't, because that was a subtle joke about prison tats.
So, that. But then my ex-boyfriend laughed at all of the boy's jokes because he was scared. And then the gang kid called my ex his, his words, not mine, his 'little white nigger'. So, that. I HAVE GANG TIES NOW! :D
And then I got home at four thirty. And my mom was flipping shit because she thought I would get home at, like, 3:30. And apparently she called all of my friends that live in the neighborhood because she was worried. so, awesome possum.
and that's about it.
Also, there was an earthquake here. It was scary.

i'm not very interesting.

I haven't been posting recently. It's nearly two in the morning and the sound of my typing seems very loud.
I haven't really done anything the past couple of days... mostly, I've just been watching SVU and listening to Weezer. But mostly only Pinkerton and the Blue Album. Because I'm one of *those* Weezer fans.
One thing about myself that's both good and bad is that I don't have a very distorted self image... I think. So, this is good, in that, I don't obsess about things that aren't bad about me, and I'm aware of the things that are good, HOWEVER, I feel like the bad things I think about myself are fairly accurate, so I look in the mirror and see well, pretty eyes, and a normal nose and normal lips, and long eyelashes, but also acne and not very well manicured eyebrows. And I sort of turn that thought over in my mind, like a stone, and I think to myself, 'Yes. If you were a third party with no investment in this situation, you would agree with yourself.'
If that makes sense. Maybe I have a dissociative disorder.
I've been trying to work on my summer reading. School starts on Thursday. I'm... cutting it rather close this time, even by my standards. I want so so badly for my English teacher to like me and think I'm good but then I sit down and I stare at the book and the words on the page and the assignment, and I know that it's really not that hard but I just can't, I can't get into the headspace to actually do it. So it's been slow going. I spend about ten percent of my time doing my project... and ninety percent of my time stressing about it. It's not very rational but I don't really know how to fix this.
I'll get it done. I hope.
My best friend called me today. I talked to her for ten minutes, which is pretty short for us, but long for normal people. She told me about how she went to the zoo with her younger cousins and there were seals having sex but her cousins were like, 'LOOK! THEY'RE PLAYING!' and she was like, 'yeah! they're... having a great time...', which was true.
And then we talked about English, and I feel better because she's put about the same amount of work into it as I have so far... so we're planning on meeting up tomorrow when my mother is out to talk about the assignment. Because we're nerds.
And later I told my mother that Emma was coming over to go over the English assignment and she looks at me and says, 'You're not cheating, are you?' and I said, 'No, Mom. We're just...'
well, what are we doing?
'We're just trying to make sure we're doing it right.'
Which is true. But for a moment there, I said to myself, are we cheating? No. We're not. But sometimes I get nervous even though I didn't do anything wrong. I would fail the polygraph if I were ever accused of murder.
It's 2:06. It feels like it's been forever. I can't go to sleep at a normal hour now because I've been consistently staying up very late for weeks. So I'm fucked when school starts... in two days.
Shit.
I'm nervous. I'm starting high school. I don't want to fuck this up.
I'm going to sleep. I'm going to work on my English assignment. I'm going to listen to Weezer. I'm going to watch SVU.
I'm going to stare at the wall.
Goodnight.

I am that merry wanderer of the night.

Today, I woke up at nine. Having gotten around 5 hours of sleep, I stagger out of bed, completely naked, then realize that, hey, I have to be at school in half an hour to drop Digital Communication Systems and add Microsoft ITA. Well, shit.
We made to the school about half an hour later than we had planned. Looks like pretty much the entire ninth grade turned up for Drop/Add day! AWESOME. So, we (my father and I) wait for 1.5 hours in the un-air conditioned hallway until the stupid guidance counselor can finally see us, and it took FIVE MINUTES. Five fucking minutes, I seriously counted. AND my dad filled out the bus form. GODDAMMIT.
So then we went home, and also I took a map from the office so I spent about an hour planning out my day and color coding the map to match my notebooks. I still need to put the stickers on my notebooks, actually...
So then, I procrastinated working on my English assignment for a while, and then my best friend called and we went to go see 'The Help', which has Emma Stone and is about black female maids in the decade before the Civil Rights Movement. It didn't suck as hard as I thought it might, and I actually cried twice. Luckily, my friend didn't see because we both agree that crying makes us incredibly uncomfortable.
I also noticed that we were, and I'm not exaggerating here, the only people who did not appear to be senior citizens in the theatre. GODDAMN.
So I got home at ten, and then I tried, I really did try to work on my Fahrenheit
451 project, but for some reason whenever I sit down to do it my mind just goes numb and I can't think. So I read 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' instead, which was much better because there's no assignment. I actually like Fahrenheit more than Dream, but the assignment stresses me out, I'd rather not think about it. (SCORE ONE FOR SUBTLE LITERARY ALLUSIONS.)
Yep. So that was my day. I had an actual, like, personal essay planned out... but I seem to have forgotten it.
Additionally, I was just on Facebook and noticed that my ex-boyfriend dyed his hair red. Fortunately, he looks like a fucktard.

my mother dated an anarchist.

^ punk band name right there. oh yeah.
So, today I got up at 1:45 p.m., because I stayed up until four listening to The Blue Album and reading fanfiction. Because I'm cool.
I took a shower and I ran out of body wash so I had to get out of the shower and get this strong-smelling tropical stuff I got from bath and body works. It's sort of like... pineapple? I guess. I hate pineapple.
So that's great. Then I convinced my dad to take me to Franklin Street and shop. We hit up the vintage store, where they had, like, 20 pairs of identical bowling shoes. Oh, the nineties. So that was interesting, and then I went to The Dress Shop, where the woman was weirdly nice, and it wasn't because my dad looked like he had money, that's for sure. She was like, 'We have some dresses over there that would look SUPER cute on you.' And I was like, uh, awesome? Normally they're bitchy.
Then... hmm. Then I went to Chapel Hill comics, and I bought MOME 2006, and... a graphic novel by the guy who wrote Scott Pilgrim. The cashier was like, 'hey, did you know that he's publishing a new graphic novel in 2012?' and I was like, 'Um, no.'
And he was like, 'Yeah, he's releasing some of the art this week I think.' And I was like, 'Yeah... cool.'
Oh, comic book store guys. How I do love your awkwardness.
And then we went to the record store (CD Alley, haha, get it?), which is fun for about five minutes and then you get bored because there's no way to actually LISTEN to any of the music, and besides, CDs are obsolete anyway.
So instead I went to Internationalist Books, which sounds totally harmless, right? WRONG. This is the most straight-up, hardcore anarchist book store in NC. And my mom dated the guy who started it. He got murdered a little while after they broke up, but I could have been an anarchist baby! It's a little weird to wrap my head around, even though I know she dated the guy who ran Internationalist Books for a while. I didn't know how hardcore their shit was until I went in there today, first time in a few years. I really wanted to buy B!TCH magazine, but I didn't because my dad was RIGHT THERE. Otherwise I totally would have.
So yeah... pretty kickass day. I also went into Hazmat, your friendly neighborhood stoner store. We got cigarettes, tie dye shirts, dildos, girly mags, candy and bongs.
That should be their slogan but it's maybe a little too long.
I still have not worked on my summer reading... I have one week.

Do you believe?

So, I was originally going to title this post, 'the world has turned and left me here' after the weezer song. But then I didn't know what I would talk about. So, instead, I listened to that song a little more, and the chorus goes, 'Do you believe?' over and over, so I thought I would talk about religion a little bit. Side note- Can you believe Rivers Cuomo is 41? HOLY SHIT. He still looks like he's fourteen.
Anyways, I think religion is a super interesting topic, right up there next to politics and sex. The three greatest motivators of human nature. Well, and money... but money is boring. Since I'm sort of an asshole, I often confrontationally challenge people's religious beliefs. Yes, I know, I'm a mean girl. But it's really because I want people to UNDERSTAND, really understand why they believe what they do. Personally, I'm an atheist, because, let's face it, God is a fundamentally ridiculous concept. But I'm not here to argue, I'm here to explain.
Unlike a lot of atheists (often referred to as 'militant atheists'), I'm not the sort of person who believes religion is evil, and should be abolished. I think... I think religion is, at its deepest core, an invention created to comfort people. I think religion certainly has its place in society- but unfortunately, religion also creates conflict.
Do I think it would be better for humans if there was no religion? Well, yes and no. If everyone had the same religion, there would be no conflict... but, it's in human nature to disagree, that's why religion evolves over time- Christians were born out of Judaism, Protestants were born of Catholics... and I'm sure there are more specific examples of religious divisions but I wasn't given a religious upbringing so I'm afraid I have a poor understanding of the different sects, or branches, or parts, or somethings, of Christianity, despite being raised in what I like to refer to as a Southern backwater.
So... I understand why people believe what they do, I just wish they were more aware of their own religion, and what faith really is, and why it needs to be separate from other parts of thought, and if they actually truly believe, or if... or if they've just been indoctrinated by their mother and father and school and friends and culture. And I think that's something EVERYONE has to ask themselves, not just the religious folks.
It's late at night so I'm not really sure what I'm talking about. I'll read it back in the morning and edit it down.

I'm very sirius.

Do you want to know a secret?
I am in love with fanfiction.
I love to read it, I love to write it. I fucking love it. For some reason, I keep it a secret, though I'm not really sure why. Actually, the last time I talked about it was at summer camp during a scavenger hunt- the person I was talking to and I made a mutual agreement to never speak of it again.
I'm not sure how to say this, but I have a freakishly elaborate fantasy world for each of my favorite shows. It's pretty unhealthy, but it's something I've been doing ever since I was a kid. I have this weird thing where whenever I get particularly attached to a show I sort of insert myself into that 'universe', and kind of make up stories about it, I guess. It wasn't until a year or two ago that I found a name for this kind of story- and that name is fanfiction.
What sort of fanfiction do I like? Doctor Who, Harry Potter and Criminal Minds are my three favorites, though I occasionally read other fics. I haven't quite worked up the courage to post any of my own writing on fanfiction.net, so it's currently languishing on my computer. That's likely where it will stay for all of eternity. Nonetheless, I certainly get a kick out of it, and that's what counts, right?
EDIT- I read this back and I sound like a complete psycho. Ohhhhh well. Additionally... what was I going to say? Oh yeah. Additionally, I've been thinking I'm not wearing the correct bra size, so I tried measuring... um, yeah, apparently I'm a 34DD. HA! No. This is not at all correct. I measured once, twice, three times, and I went to dozens of different sites, all telling me the EXACT same thing. What. The. Fuck? So I guess I'll get my mother to take me to Target this week... yay? I'm almost positive that she'll make the entire experience as uncomfortable as possible. So that's something to look forward to. And, of course, my SUMMER READING PROJECT. *gouges eyes out*

I'm sorry, Dave.

I watched a lot of good old SVU today. It's amazing how, even though I'm watching episodes from last year, it seems incredibly dated. Maybe SVU is just sort of a dated show.
I also just finished 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's actually my first time watching it all the way through, though of course I'm familiar with the whole HAL concept. I was... surprised. I was surprised, first of all, by the weirdly slow pace that the entire movie went at, even the dialogue. I think a movie made these days with that sort of pace would bomb... and I have to admit the idea that Generation Z has incredibly short attention spans may be proved by my impatience with this movie. Or not. Maybe people in 1968 found it incredibly slow, too.
HEY! I'm actually talking about something zeitgeisty, for once. Awesome.
And, at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot, I was confused from the point where- SPOILER! (Seriously? The movie has been out for 43 years.) Dave turns HAL off... until the end. Because I'm dense. Really, though. So, my interpretation of it is that Dave kept on going to Jupiter, and then the black thing was actually a wormhole, and Dave goes through it, and it ages him, and then, like, the white room with the art deco furniture was like, Dave's afterlife, and all the different people are actually him, aging, including the baby, which is... also him? Like, he's reborn, or something?
I don't know, I was confused. I didn't talk to the person I talked to yesterday again today, though I did read his blog... weirdly, he also posted about artificial intelligence, which is a little bit of a freaky coincidence.
Additionally, I do feel much better today, though I still have to work on summer reading. So, that's stressful.
11:11. Make a wish.

Sometimes when I'm sad I cut myself... another slice of cheescake.

I just realized that I'm the girl who eats their feelings.
I'm not really hungry, I just feel sad. I'm not fat though, so I defy at least one cliche. Yay? I guess? I should have just added this to my other post but I like my title so I'm keeping it.
I'm also watching Food Network Star, which is probably making me feel sort of hungry too.
Now about those sweaters- I actually got four today, one from modcloth came in the mail.
The modcloth one is black with large white strawberry print. It's sort of thick and is a cardigan. I like that the arms fit. I have fat arms.
Fuck... my headphones went in my soup. (Spring Onion by Kitchen Thai, if you were wondering)
The second one is a lighter, floral cardigan. It's cream colored and the flowers are light blue and light pink. I'm not terribly sure what I'll wear it with, other than a plain or blush colored tank top... but it was only fourteen dollars so what the hell, right?
And then the other two are supersoft pullover cardigans, short sleeves (elbow length), v-neck, actually, right angle neck. I luff them.
Okay. This is good. This is how Frances got her groove back.

Lipstick and other curious things

Today was rather odd. The worst I've felt in a while. It's probably because a byproduct of social interaction is negative emotions, and I haven't really been socially interacting recently, what with it being summer and all.
Today I went outlet shopping. I bought some sweaters from Anne Taylor Loft, which is a sort of matronly store, but I love it anyways. A few hours ago, I would have talked about these sweaters for paragraphs. Maybe tomorrow. I feel sort of bad because I was talking to somebody on facebook and I think I made him feel bad. Or I said something wrong. Or something. I'm not particularly socially adept in that way... I'm unable to identify the exact source of the problem in our conversation. I think it began when I popped back in after leaving. Oh, regret. How bitter art thou.
Anyways... I'm having difficulty readjusting to the mindset of thinking of my audience as a faceless mass, rather than a very faceful individual. The faceful individual way of thinking, merits though it does have, is not really what I want for this blog... though I suppose there's not much I can do at this point.
I'm a firm believer in my mother's mantra of my childhood-
'Everything will be better in the morning.'
EDIT- I was going to talk about lipstick. I have four different lipsticks- peony, coral, fuschia, and red. i made a lip print of each of them and I think the fuschia looks best on paper, though the red in person. I'm not really sure why, though the lip prints could make an interesting collage. I don't know what else I would use though. I'm distracted. This isn't very good. I'm feeling agitated.
Everything will be better in the morning.

spank the monkey.

I'm a little hesitant to post this, seeing as how I have at least one possibly reader at this point, but you know what? I am ZEITGEIST GIRL! None of this sex negative culture will leach into my world outlook!
That said, today's topic is masturbation. Uh-oh. Yikes.
Around 98 percent of men and 60 something percent of women masturbate. And you know what? I'm in that sixty something percent. You heard me! I MASTURBATE. What's so wrong with that?
Just about everybody in this country masturbates. Yet, somehow, still, our culture almost never discusses it, except in the context of crude, crude humor. That has absolutely GOT to change. We're in 2011, people! Wake up! It's amazing to me that people are still clinging to these ancient sexual taboos.
Anyways, that's my lacigreen-esque rant for the day. It's a little shorter than usual, but they can't all be epics, can they now?
So, my non existent readership- what do you think of masturbation? do you masturbate? leave it in the comments!