The cynical who once were dreamers

Yes, that IS a quote from a song from an Lindsay Lohan movie. So, yeah. Not as deep as you thought it was.
It was a tie between that and, 'How can it be? What does it mean? It's atrocious! It's obscene!', which I also enjoy. And is not from a Lindsay Lohan movie. THE BABY IS UNNATURALLY GREEN.
Aneeee---wayyy. It's just a musical sort of day.
Actually, today was 'Decades Day' at school. So, I was the 90s, specifically the grunge movement. I wore a ripped plaid flannel shirt, acid wash jeans, and Doc Martens. (Yes. Yes, I know those are from the seventies) AND NO ONE GOT IT. Literally no one. Everyone was the stupid fucking eighties with their fucking legwarmers over their jeans which ISN'T EVEN SOMETHING PEOPLE IN THE EIGHTIES DID. And then the goddamn side ponytails. Dear god, the side ponytails. And let's not forget the vaguely slutty off-the-shoulder shirt concept, shall we? No, we shan't.
Actually, no one got it, except for my Algebra 2 teacher. So, that happened. And, uh, yeah.
Also, on the bus today, the boy sitting next to me asked the boy in front of him if he had a blunt. And then that boy nodded. And then the boy sitting next to me said, 'Sharing is caring.' Which I really thought was a somewhat homoerotic thing to say. But, okay.
So that was a thing. Too. Yes. I don't know, it's Monday.

Thoughts on a turtle

Today, my mother narrowly missed hitting a turtle in the road. I was thoroughly horrified for a moment there, and it took me a moment to recover. Then, I realized, Jesus, we need to save the turtle. And so I told my mother that, and she said that it probably turned around. But the truth is that it probably didn't, and my inaction killed it.
That's something I've been thinking about today.

It hurts to be this pure.

 The other day, in Biomedical Technology, we were given a worksheet that simply asked, who is your idol?
To which I replied, I have none. I thought, what a strange thing to ask, who is my idol? And I have none, that's the truth- though, I'm sure, had they asked, 'who is your role model?' I would have responded entirely differently. Or would I have? Who are my role models? I can't say that I know.
Let me think. Augusten Burroughs. Karl Marx. Alex Day. Jesus, I don't know. (Jesus, in this context, is in interjection. Not a name. Although, he certainly did have a knack for getting people to do what he wants, right? Fuck it, let's add Jesus to the list.) Jesus. I thought of some other ones, earlier, but I forgot. I was just reading this book by John Waters, not coincidentally, entitled Role Models. He's a fucking character. His role models are Little Richard, Rei Kawakubo, Bobby Garcia, Leslie Van Houten... and the Wicked Witch of the West. He's a fucking awesome writer.
Huh. Well. I had something else to say, but I forgot it. Oh wait! Carlos Slim.
I keep thinking of different role models. Now it is role model week. Every day I will name a new role model. GIMMICK.
Also, my comment got featured in a Tyler Oakley video. Specifically, 'Tyler's Favorite Things: August', for my comment describing a woman living in my town who owns a car covered in baby doll heads. To which I added, TRUE STORY. And it is.

A girl oughta have a sense of humor

Today I attended a Science Olympiad meeting. I was the only freshman. AGAIN. Where are you, freshman? We're the largest class our high school has had since its opening in 1971! Anyway. That happened.
Also, yesterday I spoke with the guidance counselor and next semester I am taking Honors Chemistry! So that's... cool.
Yes. Well... the other day, on the bus, we drove by a house with like, 7 firetrucks and three ambulances- not an exaggeration. But, then, when we looked at the house, there was nothing, like, wrong with it. So I don't know what the hell that was. But it was fucking weird.
And... math is not made for partner work. I know because I made my LOWEST GRADE OF THE YEAR (80), on a partner work assignment. In math. Because my partner is just, really, nice guy, but not good at math. The partners were assigned to us. SIGH.
And then, in Biomedical Technology, I was thinking about how some of the qualities in myself that I like the most, other people seem to not like, and also, a lot of times, if I were not me, I would totally fucking hate me. I don't know. I guess I'm kind of a bitch. Sometimes. One thing I do like about myself, though, is my sense of humor. But, oftentimes, I am the only one who likes it. I've also noted that a lot of my female/very platonic male friends appreciate my sense of humor, but often, people who may or may not be potential, ahem, mates, do not like it as much. And I wonder if that's due to the fact that they don't know me very well and are not used to it, OR if it's because men do not find my particular brand of humor appealing. (And yes, that is an unfair blanket statement.) I don't know. Something to think about.

You're standing on my neck.

I think Daria is my new role model.

Anyways, kids, sometimes, I mean to write something but then I forget about it. I plan out my blog post on the busride home, but I never write it down so I always forget. Let's see... um, I have a terrible cold. Everyone at school has a cold.

Also, yesterday, there was a car wreck outside of my highschool. I think someone died. I'm not sure, though. Moments like those make us confront our mortality- if only for that moment.

The word of the week is terpsichore.

I am changing my class schedule tomorrow during lunch- it's a half day. I have a class entitled Microsoft ITA: Excel and Access, which sounds like pretty much Windows propaganda, but you know, whatever. Anyway, I'm actually changing it because I think it's the class for the kids who failed our eighth grade computers test... and I got the highest score. So, yeah. I'm getting the hell out of dodge. 

When I meet with guidance, I'm also going to talk to her about my 'career cluster' which I prefer to refer to as our 'vocational course track' but that's just me.

Anyway, at our school, last year, we all had to pick our 'career cluster', and while I've pretty much sorted what I want to be when I grow up, to use a cliche, I don't know how exactly it fits into the 13 'career clusters'. So, I picked Health Science- which is the medical field, basically. But that's not really... I'd like to be a psychologist. But I guess if I wanted to go to medical school and be a psychiatrist, ti would be good... but if I don't, less so. And this course doesn't cover any psychiatric stuff. So... it's interesting, but I feel like I might be wasting my time. But I also feel as though we HAVE to pick a career cluster, in which case I should probably just stick with this one. But, hey, what if I wanted to be, like, a porn star? Just kidding, different example. What if I wanted to be an English major? That's not a career cluster. Shit. 'Career cluster'. It is a flawed system.

Also, I haven't been reading much lately and I feel as though my brain is SHRINKING. Not really, but kind of. Also, I fucking rock the hell out of Science, but the thing is I can't brag because everyone else is practically failing the course. So... yeah. 

I had some other things to say... but I forgot them.

Also, yesterday I taught a boy on the bus how to pronounce the word 'ally' because I have a button on my bag that says 'ally'... also, he's a senior. And now he thinks it's my name.

ghetto fab never looked so good.

Sometimes, I find it's difficult to put things in perspective. For example, today I spent over 1.5 hours trying to install minecraft in pretty much every manner, all the while becoming more and more emotionally unglued. You think I'm exaggerating, but there are literally tears of anger streaming down my face right now. I am shaking with rage. Yeah. I have a fucking problem.
I got a 100 on my Biology quiz. Some of my friends got the grades 40, 46, and 70. So... that's good for me. Yeah. I thought it was super unfair, though, because after everyone took the quiz, our teacher stands up at the front of the class and says something along the lines of, 'You all did poorly on this quiz, obviously you have not been studying nightly as I asked you to do.'
But the thing is, I haven't done any of that shit. And you might say, well, that's because you're a genius. And while that IS completely true /sarcasm, a lot of the people who got those poor grades really really did study and studied every night and made flash cards and shit like that. So I just thought that was really bitchy and unfair of her and it pissed me the fuck off. Excuse me if this entire post takes on an angry tone, I am still literally shaking in rage.
I feel a little better, though. MOVING ON! To another angry topic. I am an angry person. Am I? I don't know. I think so, maybe. I feel, sometimes, like I have no one to confide in completely. I feel like the emotion I am the least open to expressing is sadness. I don't really discuss sadness with my friends, or my parents. I don't feel sad that much, though. Sometimes I get so angry I feel sad. I think a lot of people view me as angry when I say cynical/sarcastic/bitchy things, but I don't think when I say stuff like that I'm actually angry. But sometimes I am actually angry, but that's a side of me that people I don't think ever experience. Maybe that's unhealthy. Or maybe, not. I don't know. Maybe I should get a fucking therapist. Except I can't, because then I would have to confide in my parents. So, no. Besides, my life is pretty sweet. I just wish sometimes I could get someone who would say, 'Yes. This is normal. You are fine.' Maybe I'm just too damn meta.
Anyway, on to the angry topic (Oh, you thought THAT was the angry topic? Ha.). So, in Biology we do labs a lot. We did one today. I addressed this in the last post, but it pisses me off, so I thought I'd write about it again. I don't know. I was the bitchy one, again, today. I did all the goddamn questions, and when either of my friends wanted to write, I had to spoon feed them the answers. I fucking swear to god. And they wouldn't handle the fucking homegenized chicken liver, and it's like, GROW THE FUCK UP. It's the same as any other fucking piece of meat that you both eat daily. So, that was fucking frustrating.
I often feel as though I get frustrated with other people when they aren't as fast as I am. I'm very aware of this, but somehow it keeps happening. And I feel like this makes people think I don't like them, but really, well, sometimes I really don't like them. But sometimes I do, I'm just better than them academically, and it frustrates me because they slow me down. I'm friends with the smartest kids in the school (that I know of), and I still get impatient with them. I don't know. I feel like I'd be better off if academia and social... stuff were two different areas. There is a fairly large group of people where, I can tolerate and even enjoy being around them in a purely social setting- i.e, the lunchroom, a football game, but when we sit together in a classroom, I just want to fucking punch them. This doesn't generally apply to my close friends, but I feel like it would just be easier to make friends if I didn't have this quality.
Today, I attended my first quizbowl practice. I was the only ninth grader- originally, my friend had planned to go but she had an unexpected doctor's appointment (read: her fucking insane parents didn't tell her she had a doctor's appointment until this morning so that she would miss the practice deliberately, because they're fucking insane and controlling) so I was the only ninth grader. And there was only one tenth grader. So it was all eleventh graders and 12th graders (because I can't spell the word 12th. Is there an f in there?)  One thing you might not know about me- I'm sometimes painfully shy. So there I was, in quizbowl practice, shaking (with nervousness, not rage), but then after a round or two- and some encouraging glances from our suspiciously effeminate but very nice quizbowl coach/honors 12th grade english teacher, I finally jumped in to the game. Apparently, my strengths are pop culture (expected), art (expected), and mythology (unexpected). I think I was actually pretty good... there were 11 people at practice, (dramatically up from last week's 2), and our team (BLUE!) won by a landslide. I also got the bonus question, sudden death tie breaker. (It was 'femme fatale') So that made me feel good. The answers I remember getting are- horus, dedalus, michelangelo, the a-team, nonegon, orion... and other things. uh... other things that i forgot. overall, very good. whee for ending on a positive note!

dance, fucker, dance

I... I don't know what I was going to say. On the bus yesterday, I thought about what I was going to write. But yesterday was a long time ago.
I... lost the election for freshman representative of the Student Peace Alliance. But that's okay, I didn't nominate myself anyway. A junior did, which is nice because I remember her from when I was in sixth grade and I had to eat at her table because I was in her math class, and she was nice to me. So, that's... that's good. She's still very nice. I lost to the other kid because his name is Noble, and really, who can compete with someone named Noble? No one. It was pretty much just names, because no one knows either of us.
And then... in Biology, we did a lab. We do lots of labs, and it's nice because she lets us pick our groups. So I'm always with my two best friends, and sometimes our male friend, because we feel bad for him because he doesn't have any friends in the class. The other rednecks probably think he's a flaming homosexual because he'd rather be partnered with us over them.
But back to the point, yesterday my two friends wanted to have fun, which is all well and good- except we have an enormous lab to complete and a four page packet that goes with it. Also we have forty minutes. So, I want to get the thing done, and as much as I would just like to have fun with them, the thing needs to get done- and if we're all three having fun, it's not going to get done. So basically, I looked like a bitch with a stick up her ass, because I don't mess around with them and I tried to get them to help me with the assignment. So I leave the class feeling frustrated and upset, and they leave the class thinking I must be PMSing or something. (Those are the words they would use. We are teenage girls, after all.) So, that's just not fun. It was better today, though. We disagreed a little bit about the assignment, but it was mostly good.
And then... I have a math test tomorrow. And I'm totally fucked. Although, math itself is generally pretty fun, for math. The girl who sits next to me, a sophomore, is nice. And then, the kid who sits behind me is on the Varsity football team (suggestive eyebrow wiggle) and SUCKS at math. I thought he was copying off of me because we always finish at the same time... but he made a seventy on the test, whereas I made a ninety-eight. So, that.
This post has no point. I forgot everything meaningful I was going to say.

I wake up and I feel alone.

I've been so tired lately. I've been getting up twenty minutes earlier than I did last year, but it's still sort of late, comparatively.
I've had a rather nice week. I've been doing surprisingly well in Algebra 2... we got our tests back today, and we got them LAST FUCKING FRIDAY. And he only has one class of, like, twenty eight students. Foolishness. - word of the week
I also attended THE QUIZBOWL INTEREST MEETING. Because I'm such a special gal. There was one (1!) person in attendance, other than myself, which was pretty cool. He was a senior but he still talked to me which automatically makes me like him. It's probably because he doesn't have any friends his own age. But whatever. There were also tryouts today, though, so probably (hopefully) more people came to that one. I really like the teacher, he teaches 12th grade Honors English, which is cool. And his classroom is cool. He has interesting posters, and in interesting bookshelf. I don't know. He asked us to name our strengths on the contact sheet... and I couldn't think of any. Afterwards, like, when I got home, I could think of some... so he probably thinks I'm a complete idiot.
I don't know. I did okay on our little practice quiz- 8/22. It sounds bad, but Quizbowl's a team sport, so it's actually pretty good. I don't recall the questions, but here are the answers I got right- Amazons, Sedimentary, California Gurls, Amy Winehouse, Starry Night, Parabola, The Scarlet Letter. EPIC WIN. And I got a couple more half-right, which don't count in an actual competition, but still make me feel better. Seriously, though, what do those answers say about me? I don't know. I'm reading too much into this.
In all my classes, it's an internal struggle. I'm torn between not wanting the other kids to think I'm a know-it-all, and wanting my teachers to think I'm smart. They're both very powerful motivators, but basically what it comes down to is whether I want the kids or the teachers to like me. I've been mostly leaning towards kids, but am still somewhat conflicted. Today, in Honors Biology, I was the only person who knew that the word 'genesis' means beginning. I'm an atheist. shwang wang wang.
NEW BLOGGER IS SO GLITCHY. Not really. It's slightly glitchy. <- meta shit.
Something that is sad is that I don't see a lot of my friends during the day. I guess I'll have to make more of an effort to be sociable. My mother's concerned that I spend too much time inside on the computer. And she's probably right. HOWEVER, it irritates me that she thinks she's in charge of my social life. #firstworldproblems
Also... I don't know. There isn't really an also. Today I went to the mall with my friend. It was pretty good. We went to some tacky-ass stores. And then she had to go. And I had to get my bag out of her car. So I lugged a 20 BAZILLION pound backpack around the mall for about another hour until my mom got there. So I just camped in the Barnes and Noble coffee... place, reading skeptic magazine. And the woman thought I was ten, because who takes a backpack to the mall? No one. ME. Yeah, she asked me if I or 'one of my parents' have a Barnes and Noble card. I haven't heard the, 'one of [my parents]' line in YEARS. for swears.
A few days ago I bought a religious book called erasing hell. And I couldn't read more than five pages. And I felt really close minded. But I just... it was So. Stupid. I don't know. I don't want to be one of those people who thinks that they're right just because they don't listen to any other ideas. So, I tried. I think I'll maybe try to find some better literature. There is not very much very good literature on the topic of religion. I guess that's because it's such an emotional thing. I don't know. I started reading 'The God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins, and while his overall philosophy is something I agree with, HE IS SUCH A DICK. Really. He's just an enormous asshole prick who is an asshole. It's hard to explain, but if you read a few pages I think you'll likely agree. Unless you are Richard Dawkins, because Richard Dawkins is a smug prick.
I used to be young, but now I feel old.

I'm tired of looking up into those starry eyes.

Today has been okay. I'm currently reading a novel written from the perspective of a sexually and intellectually precocious young teenager, 1st person, diary format.
Sound familiar? I thought so. Unfortunately, the main character is male. The main female character is, unfortunately, that elusive mix of beautiful and intelligent. She's the object of several character's affections- and I have to wonder what it is about me that does not have men falling at my feet?
Tomorrow is picture day and I look upon with the same vague horror as all unattractive girls do. Today I had to sit sandwiched between my ex-boyfriend and his best friend on the bus. The ex himself seized the opportunity to make several disparaging comments about my physique, some of which were completely untrue and some of which... were not.
I've been reflecting on myself a lot recently due to the frequency with which I am novels in which there is romance (it's important to differentiate between the former and a 'romance novel', which I despise).
I'm fairly confident in my personality- I would want to fuck me, if it were purely based on personality. I'm wickedly funny, incredibly intelligent, and just plain awesome.
That leaves my undesirable traits to lie in the realm of the physical- a weak point for me. I stared at myself in the mirror for what felt like a long time today and highlighted some strong and weak points. (It's important to note that I never wear makeup except for the occasional lipstick)
My body from the neck down is, I think, good. I have rather perky and average sized breasts, small pink nipples and minimal stretch marks. My ass, is, while flatter than average, able to fill out a pair of jeans. My legs, squishy though they may be, are visually smooth and firm. Their one problem is I have scratches pretty much all over them, which I am working on improving. However, I don't think that's a particularly important asset.
Now up to the face. My lips are fairly full, not pale, generally pretty good. My nose, is fairly nondescript. Cute, I guess. There is nothing physically wrong with it. My eyes I have always considered to be a good feature of mine. They're large, blue-green and are framed by rather long and full eyelashes- which I have been complimented on, thank you very much. Now on to my two problem areas- my skin and my hair. My skin, while capable of tanning pleasantly, is rather oily and acne ridden. Examining the acne, it's not unusually terrible but it is noticeable and I'm not terribly sure how to fix it, because I do try.
And then my hair. My hair, while an attractive color, in my opinion, is not particularly straight or curly, mostly straight I guess. It's currently a bit too long, but beside that, it gets unbearably frizzy pretty much the moment I start to do anything. Isn't this supposed to be a problem only girls with curly hair get? I guess not. It's horribly frizzy, even if when I stepped out the door it looked fairly nice. It looks within an hour like I never comb it. I'm serious. It's a problem.
And that's it! tada! It doesn't seem so bad now that I've put it in writing, but it certainly looks bad. I just feel as though the reason exactly two boys in my lifetime have been romantically/sexually attracted to me is almost certainly attached to my appearance. I wish I could read minds, vain though it sounds, so that I could know what people actually think of me. I really, really, really want to know. But of course, since I don't actually know a whole lot of sociopaths, I'll never know.
And that's the angst of the day!

BLOGGER ANGRY! BLOGGER SMASH!

This has been an uneventful weekend. I went to the mall with my best friend, Emma. Lately I've been noticing that I don't feel quite as comfortable as I used to around her. I don't know. It's a very subtle feeling- just sort of creeping up very slowly in my mind. I think maybe since she's so important to me, I feel like I have to please her more than I have to with my other friends? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into something. Or maybe... I don't know. I've always felt that, especially last year, I've always felt that I need her more than she needs me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a jealous bitch. And I think maybe that part's all in my head, you know? Like, I'm insecure, so whenever she chooses to spend time with someone other than me, I just feel like she doesn't like me anymore. And I feel like maybe that's not.. healthy. But I don't usually feel like that anymore, mostly because I've been developing more friendships with other people. And I realized, just now, that she probably chooses to hang out with other people, because, until rather recently, I had two best friends, her and another girl who I believe I have mentioned in another post. Enormous falling out? That one. So maybe that's why. Because I feel like, if SHE had another best friend, that would be hard, for me. But I don't know.
So we went to the mall. And I didn't buy anything, but then we went to Target and I bought a teen book- which is weird, because I haven't read those in years. I bought a teen book and read it in one sitting, which is weird for me too, because from January to July I read fifty books, and then none from then until two days ago. Literally none. It's weird, because, as I read the book I really liked it, but now that I'm thinking about it it was sort of terrible. Oh well, at least I was able to squeeze some enjoyment out of something, right?
And then, Sunday, I had plans with another friend, but she bailed. Oh well. I love her to death, but she's a bit of a flake, this friend.
And Monday. I woke up at ten, which is unusual for me, so that I could FUCKING GET SHIT DONE. But then, my parents didn't let us leave till two. I need a fucking car, bad.
Here's something weird about me- sometimes, usually only at my parents, I get really, really mad. I don't know if this is normal or not, it's usually over really stupid things- like not being able to leave for four hours. I don't know, it just feels like my anger just sort of turns over over and over, like a snowball and it takes a while to melt. But the really weird thing about when I get mad is I just want to scream and throw shit and kick somebody. Not really my parents, when I get mad at them. Just someone. I don't know why this would be. I know it's unhealthy. Because I can't kick or punch or throw things, and I certainly can't scream. Even if my parents aren't home, the neighbors, you know.
So usually I just say, 'FINE. WHATEVER.' in a passive aggressive voice, and maybe slam some doors and stomp around, and then I go up to my room and stew in my own anger for a while. And after a while, if I manage to distract myself and not just feed the flames, it'll start to fade. Slowly.
I think anger is one of those more nuanced cultural taboos- I think it's not really a bad thing to express anger, according to society, but there are certain things that we are discouraged from saying; particularly women. So there's... there's that.
What am I even talking about? I don't know. It's early in the morning.