and now the state line felt like the Berlin wall

I've had a pretty good week. School is pretty much over, except for the English exam I have to take tomorrow. I managed to make it out with my 4.0 GPA intact, though it's not set in stone just yet- our Chemistry Independent Research Papers and the English EOC haven't been graded yet. I could still be screwed! Things are feeling precarious.
On Friday, my best friend and I hosted a dinner party. We invited an assortment of people, and only one person (baseball friend) failed to show. It was pretty successful. Everyone liked each other as far as I'm aware, the food was decent and we walked in the rain around my neighborhood. Then after the two girls we don't know as well but still really like left and we (the best friend, the other best friend, our carpool buddy and his friend) watched Saw 6, which was surprisingly not that scary. I was pretty proud of myself, but I guess it helped that the color contrast was a bit out of whack so the blood looked pink.  People in horror movies are pretty fucking stupid. We all flirted shamelessly but it was okay because nothing could happen because both carpool buddy and his friend have girlfriends. Carpool buddy's girlfriend lives in Georgia. He met her at TIP and claims they're in love. I guess we'll see when we meet her on the seventh. Then, the other best friend slept over and we watched Paranormal Activity. Which was also not very scary. I think I like horror movies now.
Then, yesterday, a friend of mine and I went to her godmother's birthday party. Actually, the seventh annual celebration of her 40th birthday. It was quite nice. The thing about this friend is that her parents are extremely popular and hip. There were a lot of successful 30-somethings at the party. Her godfather told me my voice had gotten 'even more sophisticated', which I think means that it's gotten deeper, but I was still flattered because as we all know, my voice is a bit of a weak point.
Then I went and acted like kind of a cunt. I forgot... well, I didn't forget. I chose to forget about Peter and I's scheduled book club beginning time yesterday. Instead, I was at this party with no wifi and a whole lot of Southern Comfort. I didn't even read The Fountainhead. I kind of thought he was kidding about being mad because I was a little buzzed last night. Then I woke up this morning... well, noon. I woke up at noon and realized, wow, that was kind of a cunty thing to do and he's probably not exactly thrilled with me right now. And then I was annoyed with myself. I read the first chapter of The Fountainhead and thought about what Peter said and realized he probably just read the whole thing because he was mad. And then I was even more annoyed with myself because I was looking forward to this too and I went and fucked it up. He's never really ignored me before so I feel like it's a very bad sign.
I guess blogging is kind of a way for Peter and I to tell each other things we don't want to say. And I gotta say, I didn't realize how invested I was in us, or him, until I wasn't certain that he would be there. I guess Peter has been kind of a constant in my life so far. He's safe. But now I guess I realize we're both just people with feelings and a code of conduct. And I didn't really conduct myself very well. Peter is not a cat. His friendship is not unconditional. (I also cannot pet his stomach or call him obese.)
And here's another thing. Reality hit me in the face yesterday like a bucket of water. I realized when I was talking to my friend just before we both fell asleep that I am probably never going to see Peter ever again. He's not coming to TIP this year, which means I'll never see him at TIP again. Texas is a very long way away and I don't think I'll make it there for a long time. I felt sad about it, even though this is something I had known from the start, or very nearly. I realize that there's an inevitability here, that we will grow apart. In fact, it's surprising it hasn't started already. Or maybe it has and I haven't noticed. Without the constant reminder of a face it's easy to let things waste away until one day you realize that the relationship you one had is gone. This is a phenomenon that happens to a small degree each summer when we take a break from everyone. The summer is when we do things for ourselves. The relationships we were cultivating stop growing and only the ones that are solid survive. Each fall we come back to find that things are not as they were when we left. Couples have broken apart and friendships have atrophied. I realize that I don't want this to happen but I don't know that there's anything I can do.
Jesus Christ on a stick, what am I talking about?
At the end of the year the English teacher that hates me had us all write a letter to ourselves that she would send to us the June after we graduate. I thought it was an interesting assignment. I didn't spend a lot of time on it because I had that Chemistry paper due so now I kind of regret it. The letter covered goals for the future, classes and teachers, clubs, crushes, friendships, appearances, and miscellaneous relationships. It was hard to decide what to include because I don't know what I'll remember three years from now. That's all it is from now until then. Three long years.