It's... half assed midnight Thursday post time! I haven't posted in a while. I think we sort of have a thing going on where we alternate posting. I'm sorry I broke the rhythm.
Sometimes there are some very interesting people that I want to get to know but they kind of intimidate me, because they're just so out of my social circle. This is often because they are very funny or pretty or nice and these are not usually things that I am so it's sometimes a bit intimidating. But I've found that when I go out of my way to be funny or friendly or something that I can actually make friends. I've found that people actually generally like me most of the time. And that's really very good.
I was talking to some friends (including baseball friend) about things today and we all bitched about our skin. I had the second best skin out of four, but the one with the first best skin had no acne at all. We wanted to murder her, but in a nice way because we adore her. Anyway, the other two (baseball friend and friend who annoys me now because I spend too much time with her), talked about going on Accutane. And it's this thing that will clear up your acne for a while but has tremendous and horrific side effects... like giving your children birth defects. And they wanted to try it. And I can't talk too much because I don't dislike an aspect of myself that much but I can't imagine how it would feel to want to change something so much that you would risk your actual health for it. I can't imagine what it would be like to look in the mirror and hate what you see there that much.
But then I thought about it a little more and I realized, yeah, I would probably sell my soul to fix my voice, which is pretty fucked up. I don't like the way that I sound and the second that I feel I've managed to fix it some douchebag goes and points it out again. And it really sucks. So I wonder, what it would be like to feel completely content with yourself? I feel like I'm at a good place with myself because, I like a lot of things about myself. I have great boobs and big eyes and long eyelashes and hair with natural blonde highlights. I have big lips and a thin waist and delicate hands. I like myself generally, but there are some things about myself that I hate. I guess this is a pretty contradictory couple of paragraphs.
Additionally, I've been thinking about dating and that whole mess a lot. And I know a lot of people feel like, 'god, I hate it when disgusting people have a crush on me'. But actually not that many guys like me very often so even when it kind of is someone disgusting, I'm secretly still a bit flattered. Which is a little fucked up. I hope I won't have to be a person who has to settle for someone that is interested in me so that I won't be alone.
I hope that never happens.
I know guys have a lot of pressure on them with dating and being the first one to make a move and whatnot, but I also feel like it's sort of tricky for us girls because we have to wait and wait and wait and we can't ever do anything, can't ever make a move and just get it over with already. I think most people want to find out whether a relationship is going to work with someone or not and, if not, they can just move the fuck on. With being a girl, you never know if they're too shy to ask or something and you can't do anything about it, you just have to smile with your eyes and touch their wrist and laugh quietly and hope they figure their shit out.
I'm enjoying rap music now. That's a thing now. I enjoy Wiz Khalifa and Childish Gambino and also Kanye West. Is that a ridiculous thing to say? It makes me feel ridiculous. I like it unironically. Wholeheartedly.
I've also been giving some thought to books. Some of my favorite books are the ones that don't really have a plot or do, but it's not the point. The point is that they're kind of beautiful and generally terribly sad. Winners in this category includes The Virgin Suicides, Skippy Dies. Another way I judge books is by how much I think about them after I read them. Winners for this category recently include We Need to Talk about Kevin and The Lonely Polygamist. Another favorite aspect of books is how well they describe a situation. For these, I really liked This Is Where I Leave You and The Wild Things.
I also sometimes enjoy self-indulgent books about being a teenager. If it embarrases you to enter the teen section (as it does me), these books are perhaps not for you. But they are actually pretty awesome. For these, I adored Paper Towns and Wherever Nina Lies (which is about a girl who reminds me of a real girl I know who's life I want to live maybe for a little while. A life of sex and drugs and raves.)
Speaking of which, I thought somewhere in a stupid part of my mind that when I got to high school there would be a lot of parties with drinking and sexual activities in locker rooms. I've found that there are actually just a lot of projects and stress. New friends, too, and learning new things. But, as I close out the year, I am still waiting for my Project X. It's not that these don't exist, I know for some people they do. But there's something about me that repels parties. People think I don't like them, in the same way they assume I don't like children or boys or being touched. I do, actually, like all of those things.
Cynicism is hard sometimes.
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