so i tried, and i begged and i screamed and i sighed

I was thinking about middle school today. Evidently some other people were too, because a bunch of people commented on a friend's photo of us from late 2009. One of the girls who was in the picture, Katherine (I changed the name, but I felt it was important for her to have one), was not someone who you could call popular when we were young. In fact, she was extremely unpopular. She had a strange demeanor and poor social skills. She was never quite able to pick up the cues that for most of us come so easily. She was one of the unlucky few that were picked on. When people would pick on her, she would just explode. It was a reaction everyone predicted. She was so easy to manipulate. I was flipping back through an album, and I found these. I blurred out the names and pictures, but left the initial so you can see the recurring characters. I didn't include the actual photos because they are irrelevant to the story that unfolds.

these are all sequential on the same photograph. i'm proud to say that E is a close friend of mine. I remember thinking that C, the one with the warm colored photograph, was a mean kid even then. Sociopathic, I remember thinking. But the rest of these people? I considered them to be my friends. Not close, but friendly nonetheless.

Again, all casual friends. Not for a long time, but they were then.

Friends.

This one was the worst. 

You'll note that C and C are the main antagonists in multiple pictures. 

And here's where I come in. Obviously I'm Frances. 

I read these and I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed at my friends and ashamed at myself and embarrassed for Katherine. I almost felt physically sick. I knew, then, how troubled she was. I KNEW that she was adopted and struggling with it, knew she had emotional problems for which she took medication, and I still did it.
I sent Katherine a message a few hours ago, reading:
Hey, Katherine, I just went through that old album from middle school and I kind of realized how awful people acted towards you. And I realized that I was a part of that and I should have been kinder. I didn't think about how the way I acted affected you, and I feel awful about it. So I'm sorry and I hope you're at a better place in your life now.
-Frances


She hasn't replied and I don't know that she ever will. I know she's still not well but she is doing better. She has some friends from sports, and for the most part people have dropped their torment of her. I don't expect her to forgive me, but I want her to know that things are not the same as they were then. This whole thing reminds me of Salon's self-indulgent 'Interview with my Bully'.
I wrote all this down because I don't want to forget the person I was and how far I've come. I want to leave this person behind forever, but I can't, because this is who I am.

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