you be the book, i'll be the binding

I go to this summer camp called TIP every year. I got back last week. That's why there was such a long hiatus. Anyway, you go for three weeks and stay in a college dorm and take a class. I enjoy it. I don't think I enjoy it as much as other TIP kids, though. Some of them say things like, 'We're all nerds, so we all love each other.' Which is bullshit, of course. I've encountered some of the most unlikable people on the planet at TIP. I've also met some pretty great people, but it all varies. Just because we're all smart doesn't mean we all like each other. I think people say this kind of thing because perhaps they haven't learned yet that intellectual companionship is not the only way for a friendship to be fulfilling. I know this is something I grappled with when I was younger, around 4th to 6th grade. I loathed people who weren't as smart as me, which was nearly everyone. I'm substantially happier now that I don't live in a little tower of intellectual superiority. It's absolutely imperative to understand that people who aren't as sharp are often quite marvelous people. I think it is, perhaps, the overwhelming need to feel special that causes these really smart kids to eschew people who are not as smart. They view intelligence as the most important personality trait because that makes them the best.
Some people who go to TIP think, 'Wow, I'll never make friends like this out in the real world. TIP is the only place where people really understand me.' For me it's kind of the opposite. Going to TIP makes me realize how lucky I am to have the friends that I do in the real world, partially because a lot of TIP kids don't have real, close friends at home and partially because I have never made real, close friends at TIP. I have made fun friends, kind friends, interesting friends, but never intimate friends. It makes me realize how rare friendships like the ones I have are. My best friend and I will have been best friends for 10 years when school starts later this month. I bought her a card. I was thinking I might write, 'Cheers to another 10.' but then I thought about it. And in 10 years, we will both be working or in graduate school, somewhere (hopefully) far away from here. And I'm excited for my future, but at the same time it's sad to think that we will inevitably grow apart.
I tend to feel a bit out of place at TIP. Everyone, it seems, is from a nice neighborhood and an exceptional school. I live in an okay neighborhood, and I go to a crappy school. The amazing thing, though, is how everyone who goes to good schools looks down on mine, like, 'Oh, you should come to Georgia,' or, 'Oh, why don't you just transfer?' And it pisses me off. I thought about that a little bit because I call my school shitty all the time. And I think it's something like the way some people view their family- I can make fun of them all I want but if somebody else does, I take it personally. And I do, take it personally. Because I have lived here all my life. I love here, I love the people here. I used to think I only like going to school here because I'm the best. And I am, I'm second in the class and I'm fairly confident that by next year I'll be first. But more important than that are the people. I love my high school, and I don't think I want to leave it for somewhere that might be better. I feel safe at my high school, even though maybe, yeah, we have some crime. I don't know if I would feel that way if I went somewhere else.
We walked through the city and everyone in my residential group was scared of the homeless people, or the traffic, or something else stupid. I have never been afraid of these things. I have always thought- these people are living their lives and I am living mine. If I don't fuck with them, they won't fuck with me. This philosophy has served me very well. Sometimes you read about how teenagers think they're invincible. I have never thought myself to be invincible. I know that I could die at any time in an infinite number of ways. I was thinking, though, and to some extent I do think I'm invincible because I have never been afraid of people or places. I can walk through any city, any dark alley or seedy club. I can walk by homeless people and drug dealers and crackheads and evangelists without feeling afraid. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It feels good to not be afraid, but maybe sometimes I should be. I know, though, that being afraid of everything wouldn't do me any good. I don't feel brave, really, but I don't feel like a coward, either.
Maybe thinking about my future a lot is a form of imagined invincibility. I have a very set idea of how things are going to go. I know that there is a very real possibility that my life will be cut short before I've managed to do everything I think I'm going to do, but at the same time I don't live every day like it's my last. Perhaps that's good, though. Because then if I actually do make it into old age, might I look back on the way my life went with regret? At least with a plan, I can never admit to myself that this is not what I wanted. Because I dreamed of it ever since I was little. I don't even know. I guess I just think I should live a bit more in the moment if I know that my long-term life plan might not happen. So maybe on some level I am not aware that I am not invincible.
A lot of teachers at my school are quitting. Including our quizbowl coach/english teacher, who I adore. It kind of crushes me, I think partially because I hate not being able to say a proper goodbye. It's probably due to my deep fear of change. I know that when I go back to school, it won't be quite the same. I'm a very nostalgic person, and I am prone to yearning for things that have passed even though perhaps at the time they didn't even seem that good. I feel that way about my childhood as a whole. Interestingly enough, I have never lost anything of significance, but I can't help but miss the way things were, even though I am very happy now.
I feel bad for not writing for so long. I know that when The Peter doesn't write for a spell, I feel a bit confounded. This is perhaps because I often find that his writing makes transparent things that previously mystified me. It's kind of like a window to his thoughts.