I used to be a socialist, a sort of communist, now I'm a pessimist and I don't care at all

I'm sorry the last post was disappointing. The blog needed some color. I'm breaking the sixth wall!
I sometimes think I'm doing everything for no reason and I'm going to be unhappy forever. This happens often in moments of stress, which is pretty much always during school. I've always been an anxious, neurotic person- well, since third grade. I don't really know why. It could have something to do with the fact that my third-grade teacher caked on makeup and plastered on a smile and took dozens of pills at lunch. That year I used to fake illness so my mother would pick me up early from school frequently, which frankly I'm surprised my mother was not more concerned about.
I've been thinking about my life a lot lately because we got class rankings the other day and I am fourth in the class. Fourth. This is unacceptable. I think it's probably because all freshman have to take P.E. but only some people took it first semester and the rankings are only for 1st semester and obviously you can't take Honors P.E. so you don't get weighting for that. I think? I hope so. I can't not be the best. It is simply not an option.
I attended a baby shower for my childhood nanny on Sunday, who is now married to a video game designer. She is thirty-six years old, which is the exact age my mother was when she had me. I think if I have children I will have them a bit younger, so I am not older than all my peers, parenting wise. It was populated entirely by women- as is customary, I learned. They are all very rich and have immaculate houses and a couple of children and successful careers in psychiatry and husbands who love them and I thought to myself- This is what I want. Then I listened to them a little bit more. It sort of seems like they hate themselves. Every anecdote, comment, question, seems saturated with self-loathing and resentment of their kids, their husbands, their parents. They never have time alone, they feel trapped, their kids whine too much. It was sort of startling. I guess maybe it's human nature to complain. It just seemed like these women had everything I want, but still are unhappy. Is it possible that this isn't what I want? Maybe. Or it could just be that to seek happiness is a journey without a destination- no matter what we have, we always want more.
On Friday, our quizbowl captain and resident senior overachiever said I was a 'really good writer'. And it kind of made my life. He's the student assistant for my homeroom teacher, who collected Charger Challenges last Wednesday. (The prompts, by the way, were, 'Google
 and
 listen
 to
 the
 Martin
 Luther
 King,
 “I
 Have
 a
 Dream”
 speech.
 Respond
 to
 how 
it 
made
 yo u
feel.
How
does 
the
 crowd 
impact 
the
 mood?

' and, 'If
 your
 brother
 or
 sister
 were
 homosexual,
 how
 would
 you
 feel
 if
 they
 were
 being
 bullied
 about
 it?
 Should
 he/she
 be
 treated
 any
 differently
 than
 heterosexual
 individuals?

' They were dumb.)
 He saw mine on the top of the stack, read it, and went to the trouble of telling me that he liked it. I'm like Tinkerbell- I'll die without applause.
I have a 92 in Chemistry right now because we only have two grades in for this 6-weeks. But it's really. stressing me out. I cannot not have a 4.0 unweighted. It cannot happen.
Sometimes I feel like people only talk to me when they need something. For example, my friend who I have not talked to in months just facebook chatted me up because he needs girl help. I don't know what about me screams, 'NURTURING', because it sure as hell isn't anything I'm deliberately putting out there. I'd like to think I'm a good listener, but I think it's probably more like they can trust my discretion because I don't have any friends. I just sort of feel like I often have strangers seeking me out and spilling their heart out. I don't fancy my advice particularly good, either. This is a freakish phenomenon. I ought to be studied! STUDIED, I TELL YOU! But, at least I don't have trichotillomania. I'm obsessed with beckie0 on youtube. She's fantastic.
Sometimes I read or watch excellent things and I feel like everyone is much better than me. It makes me think of that old maxim- 'No matter how good you are at something, there will always be a million people who are better than you.' But for some reason, we keep trying.