Reading.

I read a lot. I try to read 3 books per week although I usually do not meet my goal. I like to read. I like to read adult fiction. I like memoirs and realistic fiction. I don't like fantasy or science fiction, unless the science fiction is in a jokey way.
I read a lot because it gives me hope that maybe if I read so much, I'll learn something and if I learn something maybe somebody will say, 'hey! this girl is one smart cookie!' and then I will get a medal, or at least a certificate. I want to learn something because I want people to know that I learn, that I know things, that I know something. That I want to know things. That I try to know things. I want to leave this school. I want to leave school. I want to leave here.
I want to graduate. I want to be rich. I want to be kind of famous but not so famous that people want to kill me so that they can be me. Like John Lennon.
It's stupid but I worry sometimes that I'm not smart enough. I'm the smartest person in my school but that's not really saying much because everyone is so, so stupid and I'm so scared that maybe I'm not really that talented, after all, because it certainly feels like it sometimes.
I'm a big fish in a small pond.
I'm the one eyed king in the city of blind people. I'm not sure if that is the right metaphor, although I'm pretty sure it is.
I don't do very much. I'm a smart girl, above average but I want to be better than that. I want to be the best even though I know I'm not. I almost wish that I was never the best, that I went to a boarding school for gifted kids where at least half the people are smarter than me. I want to do that now but I'm scared that I won't be able to handle the pressure, the extra work, the criticism. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle not being the best.
I know it'll happen, eventually, though. My mother, I think, expects that I will be valedictorian at my high school which I am starting next year.
This is all I have, my brain, and I don't even do any extracurriculars. We don't really have any but the ones we do have I wouldn't be very good at, so I don't do them.