1/5
I miss Cameron. I miss him a lot and I feel like I could be
in love with him, as I have felt for a while now, but I would never say so
because that would ruin the thing I have with him. I first typed “had” instead
of “have.” I’m really not sure. His mom has been texting me a lot which Ellie
S. agrees is nice but also a little bit…. Smothering isn’t really the right
word.
Since he’s been gone I have: (and these may be unrelated but
this is what I have done)
-Stopped eating so much junk food
-Written more
-Had more energy
-Slept more
-Cried more
-Felt empty
-Felt incredibly lonely.
Is this how I felt before I had him? I’m not sure. I wonder
if perhaps my friendship with him made me draw the life out of my other
friendships a little bit, or maybe my friendships with them just pale in
comparison to his.
I really do miss him but it embarrasses me to feel so
dependent, especially since I know he doesn’t care at all. I’m just kidding I
know he does care but not as much as I do. Never as much as I do, and it
doesn’t matter what it is. I think I just feel too much, and he maybe too
little. That’s what his mother thinks but I think she might hate him a little
bit. I know she loves him but I think raising that ungrateful boy for 18 years might
make you hate him a little too.
I am embarrassed by how much I feel like I need him and how
I can barely help myself from texting him every couple of days even though it
just makes me sad. It’s just so so hard to go from talking every day all day to
not talking at all. I miss him and I don’t have any other outlet for those
feelings and experiences.
What I would have told him these past couple of weeks:
-Christmas with my family
-Bernadette
-My cousins
-I am going to break up with Emma
-I finished all my college applications to day
-Our paper is almost done
-I don’t know why I try so hard to inflate myself and
impress people, I really don’t. I can feel myself fighting for everyone’s
attention and that’s embarrassing too.
Our paper is almost done and student council went really
well tonight. I feel hollow.
1/6
We sent the paper to press today. I skipped Plus 1 and Stat
and stayed an hour after school to work on it! So there’s about 5 hours of my
life. I am worried that there will be mistakes and it will be my fault but such
is life. I think the process went well this time.
I broke up with Emma on tumblr last night- which I know I
know is awful but I didn’t want to do it in person at school because maybe I
would cry or maybe she would and that would be awful and I have no other way of
communicating with her.
She was really sweet and understanding, I said you know
“it’s not you it’s me” which is true like I am not… I don’t know I’m just not a
person who probably should be in relationships like it’s hard for me to be
present with someone except for like Cameron all the time and the real reasons
were that I a) just didn’t really ‘feel it’ like I really liked spending time
with her and I think she’s really cute and stuff but I just didn’t feel it and
I don’t know b) I was scared to be overly responsible for her emotions like the
only other person I know with that level of emotional issues was Lea circa
sophomore year, but that’s not really the same because being friends and dating
is super different. And I just wow I feel awful now, because I thought she was
okay but then today at school she checked out of APES after like 20 minutes and
then she wasn’t in journalism at all and I feel really super duper guilty and I
feel like… it feels a lot worse to hurt a girl in that way than it does to hurt
a boy. Maybe that’s because I’m super gay or because like boys are worse or
maybe I just feel more for girls because I am a girl. I don’t know. I feel
terrible and I almost feel like I regret it like I didn’t miss her when I just
avoided her for a week over break (I am going to hell) but I miss her now. The
other reason I ended it was c) it was very, very tiring to not be able to talk
about my dating with my friends and family and other people. I just don’t know
if I can do this. I think it would be best if I stayed single for the rest of
high school.
I really wish I could talk to Cameron about this. Ellie is a
great substitute but she’s not quite introspective enough, I guess? I don’t
know. Her words don’t mean as much to me, which is a hideous thing to say since
she’s been there for me for like 12 years and Cameron and I were obsessed with
each other- I more than him- for 1, and now it’s over.
It is. I feel awful for his mother, who tries to intervene
at every turn. She just wants him to have friends and she interferes in his life
so much just because she wants to KNOW him, and she’s given up trying to know
him through talking to him, so she talks to me instead. I understand why she’s
worried that he won’t have any friends after me… I’m worried too. I had
imagined we would just drift apart amicably when he felt ready but I don’t
think he is or feels ready now.
I don’t quite regret coming out to Ellie, it’s certainly a
relief and it makes me feel less alone right now, but I feel kind of weird
about how we’ve never talked about it and she never brings it up and I just I
don’t know like I can’t tell if it makes her uncomfortable or what? Not I mean
just the fact that I’m gay but that I kept it a secret from her for so long,
and that I’m still keeping it a secret from Emma and my parents. I don’t know,
I guess I’ve kind of established that I like to talk things half to death, so
maybe it is normal.
I think maybe this is good for me, to have time to let some
of my love for that boy dry up.
